


A Kiss Is Just A Kiss

by Adarian



Category: Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 14:41:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7622590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captured by the Architect, Loghain and Tabris are forced to have sex in order to survive poisoning. After they are rescued, they try to get a grasp on their feelings for each other during a mission to Alamar. When Tabris returns and realizes she is pregnant, they realize that both her and the child are in danger as long as the Architect lives. </p><p>Written for a kink-meme prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**CW: dub-con for sex pollen sexiness.**

**Also I feel like anytime I discuss the Architect I have to warn people how truly creepy this shit is. Like seriously, I feel like any person with a uterus might be wincing playing through Awakening. But there's not a specific trigger or content warning here. Basically, CW: threats of reproductive violence against women. I guess. If someone has a better tag than that please give me a shout.**

Tabris remembered little of what had happened after they descended down the stairs. They had been taken, separated maybe, there had been others, weren't there? The elven woman, she had insisted in coming with them, she had to be there. And Nathaniel and Anders...had they not been just beside her?

They should not have come back here. They should have left it, burned it to the ground. But when Velanna told her of the Architect's lair, Tabris knew she had to go. If more of her people were being experimented on, they had to be rescued. She did not leave her men behind. 

She tried to focus, hearing the roar of Loghain's war cry. She was dropped to the cold hard ground, her senses crying out with the presence of so many darkspawn and of the Warden close by. 

A hurlock dragged her off the ground and shoved her towards the Architect. The darkspawn tilted her chin up and Tabris shuddered. Loghain tried to throw off his captors, but the hurlocks held him still.

The Architect said in his cruelly soft voice, "The Taint is strong enough in her. She will do. The male as well. Let them drink of the solution."

Tabris pulled away but he grasped at her wrist, dragging her back to him. One of the hurlocks placed its sword against Loghain's throat.

The Architect said, "You will obey me, Grey Warden, or I will slay him. There were other men in your group. I can use another just as easily." 

Loghain laughed darkly. "You threaten the wrong man, beast. If you had picked one of the others, she might cooperate, but she might thank you for ending me."

Loghain's eyes met Tabris briefly and she looked back to the Architect and nodded. The Architect grabbed a flash and held it to her lips, forcing her to tilt her head back to drink it. It burned down her throat and her body temperature shot up. She started sweating and felt dizzy. 

Loghain growled, "What have you done to her?"

"It will pass, do not worry, Warden. If both of you do what is required of you, you will both survive. Take her as your mate and the potion will harm neither of you. Resist and you will both die." 

Tabris sat down, her hands at her temples, only barely aware of Loghain being forced to drink. She was grabbed and thrown into a cell, Loghain following an instant behind her. She tried to get up to pick the locks, but her hands were shaking too much. Loghain took them in his.

"Did they hurt you, Commander?"

She frowned. She felt like she had the flu, certainly, but there was something else too. Some pain in her belly, an aching in her legs, a heat rising. When she felt herself grow wet, she covered her mouth with her hand.

"You feel it too," he said quietly.

Tabris closed her eyes, her heart throbbing through her body. Her sex started aching, her arousal dripping down her leg. There was no subtlety in what this potion had been designed to do. Her chest grew tight and her breathing grew shallow. 

"Do you feel alright?' She asked.

Loghain hesitated and then said truthfully, "No."

"I've studied poison," Tabris said. "I've heard about one like this they use in Tevinter against the Qunari. It sets off animal instincts, causes blood rage in some but in most the need to...excessively copulate."

Loghain smirked. "How delicate of you."

"I'm not Zevran," she joked weakly. "I can be subtle." 

"How long does it take before it wears off?"

"In a Qunari male, about six hours, but that's only with soldiers who've built up resistance to the stuff. For anyone else, either they do what it was designed for or they usually don't make it long enough for it to clear their system. Depends on the person. With your body, I'd say you had about two or three. But I'm..." Tabris' mouth grew dry. "I don't have the same fat reserves you do or the metabolism. I've got maybe an hour if I'm lucky."

Loghain replied, "Then the Architect plays his hand."

"His experiments are too valuable to risk on idle threats," Tabris said. "If we won't cooperate, he's not going to waste his time with us."

"Then he intends to breed us...like animals."

Tabris flinched. "I suppose so. Maybe he wants to study the Taint across generations, see how it adapts and changes."

"Then it is a good thing the witch is long gone," Loghain whispered. "Though I suspect he has more interest in you."

"I suspect the same," Tabris admitted fearfully.

"We will hold out," Loghain promised. "We have time still. You are skilled with locks and I can fight well enough without a sword. Rest for a moment and we will get out of here. Once we are safe, we will get the antidote."

Tabris shook her head. "Loghain, I don't have enough time, neither of us do. We'd be dead by the time we got out of here, if we even managed to. I think...I think we have to if we want to have a chance to escape later." 

"Do you know what the Orlesians did when they first conquered Ferelden?" Loghain asked. "They saw the Avvar with their hold beasts and thought that bears could be easily tamed. They forced their new Ferelden servants to go out and find them and bring them back to be tamed. Eventually when they kept losing servants, they sent soldiers to capture bears and keep them in cages. They kept them hungry and when slaves resisted their masters, they were thrown into the cages with them. There was a song I used to hear when I was young, about a little elven girl who was tossed in but the bears spared her until morning light. In the end, the Orlesian masters refused to feed their pets and the beasts slew her to survive." 

"Why are you telling me this?" Tabris asked. 

"I am no bear in a cage," Loghain snarled. "I will not play its game to satisfy my own hunger. If I die, I die, but I will not bend to that thing to save my life."

"But what about mine?" She pleaded.

To her surprise, his face faltered slightly. "Warden, it will only be a temporary reprieve. You should know better than I the fate of women underground."

"But it could buy us time," Tabris insisted. "We don't know where Anders and Nathaniel are. They might have gone to get help. We could still get out of here if we play along for a little longer. Please..."

Her lip trembled. "Loghain, I'm scared. I could tell you it's because there are only a handful of us in the country, but the truth is that I'm afraid. I don't want to die like this, not here, not now. Please. For me."

Loghain murmured, "You do not know what you ask of me."

Tabris whispered, "Loghain, it hurts. My whole body is aching. Please, please help me. I know you must be suffering too."

Loghain cupped her face. "Are you ordering me, Commander?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "No, Loghain."

His lips brushed against her cheek. "Forgive me then, Warden. Forgive me for not being a better man. A better man would have been stronger."

He kissed her desperately and pushed her up against the wall of the cell. She gasped and wrapped her legs around him. He blocked her from view of the bars, forcing her to look up into his eyes. He kissed her again, fumbling to get this pants low enough to free his cock. He ripped her smallclothes away and thrust hard into her. The poison had made her so wet he fit nicely inside of her, despite his substantial girth. She moaned and he pounded into her, digging his hands into the wall. She threw her arms around his neck, letting him completely guide their bodies together. It should have hurt, their pace and their relative sizes, but it felt as if weight had lifted from her chest, as if she could suddenly breathe after holding her breath under water.

Loghain kissed her desperately and slid one of his hands behind her head to protect her from hitting the wall. She leaned into him, focusing on his smell, on the sounds of his grunts. If she closed her eyes this was back in Vigil's Keep, Loghain taking her a bit gentler in her big bed. His mouth felt so good, it wasn't hard to imagine what that tongue would feel like between her legs. 

She slipped her hand between them and rubbed her swollen clit. Within a few strokes, she already grew close. She moaned wantonly, clinging onto him as he plowed her into the wall. She hit her crest and cried out his name. He kissed her shoulders, licking and sucking her collarbone before he spurted into her, his knees buckling. He pulled his cloak around them, making sure she stayed out of sight as he brought them to lie on the straw mattress. 

"Do you think it will be enough?" Loghain asked. "How do you feel?"

"No, I need..." she blushed. "I need more." 

Loghain kissed her and murmured. "The poison still holds me too, but I am not as young a man as I used to be. It may take awhile before I can rise again."

"What can I do to help?" She asked.

"I have a beautiful woman half my age in my arms begging me to take her," Loghain laughed weakly. "It is only biology that is holding me back. Spread your legs for me. Let me ease your suffering until then."

Loghain pulled her over his face, letting her skirts cover them from view. He licked up her slit and she shivered, knowing he tasted both of them on his tongue. She rode against him as his tongue thrust into her, his fingers spreading her open, his thumb rubbing her clit. She fondled one of her own breasts, doing anything to try to relieve the pressure in them. He moaned into her sensitive skin and she could feel him stroke himself, desperate to get hard. 

She shuddered on top of him, trying not to scream his name. Her thighs ached, her belly tightening. Her body was pleased, but the poison had specific needs. 

As if reading her thoughts, Loghain rolled her beneath him, sheltering her. He mounted her from behind, one hand on the ground to anchor them. He pummeled into her, her breasts bouncing against the mattress. He reached between her legs and rubbed her clit. She sobbed as she came again, her body so close to getting what it needed to survive.

"Please," she begged. "Please, I need you to finish in me."

"I'm trying," Loghain groaned. "It's hard after I've gotten off so soon."

"Then tell me what I can do," she pleaded. "I need you, Loghain."

"Talking like that might help," he moaned.

"Use me as you need to," she pleaded. "Screw me into the dirt. Kiss me, slap me, call me names. I don't care, I just need you." 

Loghain pushed her down, angling her ass up. The new position made her weep, his cock rubbing perfectly inside of her. He bucked into her, grabbing one of her breasts in his hand, letting the other brush against the rough wool. She clenched down around him and Loghain almost howled. His skin slapped against hers painfully as finally he reached his climax, cursing under his breath. He spilled into her and bliss ran through her. Whatever magic had wrecked havoc on her was fading. 

She withdrew and rolled on her back. He knelt over her protectively. From the ease in his smile, she knew that he too had come through the worst of it. 

"Can you rest now?" He asked softly.

She nodded. He readjusted his clothes and brought the blanket around them both. He pulled her into his arms and she nested into his chest.

"They're going to find us," Tabris promised. "I know it."

He kissed her forehead. "I hope you're right, Warden." 

***

Tabris woke when Loghain gently shook her shoulder. She stirred, seeing Sigrun offering her hand. 

"Come on," she insisted. "We're getting you out of here." 

***

Tabris was released by the Keep's healer who wanted to check in on her for the next few days, but was willing to let her rest in her own room. She filled her tub and lay in it, trying to make sense of what had happened to her. The healer believed that Tabris was fine and that the poison should have no lingering side effects since it had been "treated" so well in the field. She hadn't asked about Loghain. She didn't know how to ask about him.

Maker, how was she going to face him again? They were both adults and they had done what they needed to do to protect the other. And they had done the right thing. It was nearly five hours before Sigrun had led the rescue team to them and it was well over two hours after that before they could receive real medical help. Neither of them would have survived.

And Tabris was no blushing virgin or romantic innocent. She had grown up in the Alienage. She knew that sex was sex and it could be used as one needed. And it wasn't like she hadn't had sex that rough before either. At least here Loghain had the excuse of literally trying not to die.

But that was the thing, wasn't it? Big proud Loghain was more than happy to go to his grave twice now for his honour, but both times he had changed his mind in order to save her life. Now that she considered the similarities between the two incidents, she pushed the thought away. She had never been thrilled with the idea of Morrigan lying with Loghain and the thought that people kept trying to use him as a sire disturbed her. It was different with Morrigan, but the Architect's touch was too fresh for her to consider it further.

While she bathed, her hands revisited all the places Loghain had caressed and stroked. She pictured the encounter again. It had been...spectacular to say the least. She normally had trouble climaxing with a partner but to do so many times. Surely it must have been a side effect of the drug, but she found herself wondering if he was still awake. If he was thinking of her.

Tabris got out of the tub and dried herself off. She dressed in a pair of slacks and a loose shirt and went out into the hall barefoot. She went down to Loghain's room and nervously knocked on the door.

She had to knock a few times before Loghain finally answered, wearing nothing but his underclothes and a robe barely pulled around his shoulders. He raised an eyebrow at seeing her.

"Do you need something, Commander?" Loghain asked, lazily tying the band around his robe. "It is late."

"Can I come in?" She asked.

Loghain gestured for her to do so and she entered, glancing around the room. It was simple, bare, but a few maps were now framed upon the wall. She recognized one as a present from her, from about the time they first met.

"You are well?" Loghain asked.

Tabris shook her head. "I'm trying to figure this all out. How do you feel?"

"I will feel better when that beast lies dead," Loghain admitted. "The thought of what could have happened to you is disturbing to say the least."

"You do not worry about your own fate?" Tabris asked.

"I did not say that. I cannot abide a man who hates women, especially not a creature like him. To have your body turned against you...it is not a thing that anyone should experience and yet I know it is a thing that your gender experiences more than most. I would give my life readily to protect another from that."

"That didn't seem to stop you when those women were elves."

Loghain sat on the edge of his bed and put his head in his hands. "What do you want from me? Have you decided this is the day to judge me for it seems like a poor choice, considering what has passed between us. Or do you hold me as responsible as that creature for what was done?"

"That is a lot to answer at once, Loghain," she said softly.

"I know you do not believe me nor do I deserve you to," Loghain said, "but I say it again. I did not know until it was too late. I could have intervened, yes, and I will never forgive myself for that. If you need to execute me for that crime against your people, then I will not protest. But do not do it the same day you were begging for my cock. It just seems poor manners."

Tabris went to slap him and he caught her wrist, holding it lightly in his hand. He let go as she caught her breath.

"Forgive me," he said quietly. "It has been a trying day for us both. I would rather not talk about it further now. Please let me rest."

Tabris went back to her own bedroom but found she couldn't sleep. Her hands still traced over her body, remembering how he felt pressed to her. She was always going to wonder if it was the magic or if it was him. And being a pragmatic woman, she knew the easiest way to find out was to do it again. If they both kept dancing around it, it would only make life at the Keep more difficult and could put them in further danger on a mission. And truthfully, she wanted the taste of the event out of her mouth. She wanted to feel like she was in control again.

***

Tabris had learned the places where all of her people liked to sneak away to when they wanted to be alone. She tried not to disturb them, but it was good to know where to find them in case she needed to speak to them urgently. Sigrun was always in the library, Anders usually outside as he hated being indoors. Nathaniel usually went hunting or practiced his archery. Oghren was often in one of several comfortable places to curl up for a pint and a nap. It was always a place where a person felt safest, felt most soothed. 

For Loghain, it was always where the animals were, usually the kennels. Sometimes the stables, though he seemed almost skittish around horses. Once in awhile while Anders was...otherwise occupied, Ser Pounce tracked down Loghain and one could find the kitten asleep in Loghain's hood while he read in his room. 

Being a terrible day outside and hearing Nathaniel's giggle from his room, she bet on the latter. She knocked on the door and after hearing a grunt to come in, she found Loghain in a chair by the fire, his feet on his coffee table, a book in hand, and a cat in his lap. Both of them glanced up at her in annoyance.

"Sorry," Tabris apologized. "I can come back."

Loghain put his feet down and the kitten skittered away. "Our Sigrun's tastes are rather singular. It is hard to find anything in that library that does not have the words "turgid" or "swollen" in it. If it was not so boring, it would be amusing."

Tabris shrugged, a blush creeping into the tips of her ears. "I like to indulge her."

"You do like buying your companions presents," Loghain agreed, "but perhaps she would do well with something a bit more educational."

"She seems to be learning plenty, but I'll take it under consideration."

His face softened. "Are you well, Warden?"

Tabris rubbed the back of her neck. "Are you?"

Loghain confided, "I still do not feel like myself. I feel...like I've gotten away with something. Like I have been spared too many times without consequences and I should watch the heavens carefully so I am not smote. But perhaps it is because three times I have faced death and each time you have offered me an out."

"And you blame me for that?" Tabris asked, confused.

He shook his head. "No. That is not what it is. It makes me feel weak. Each time I have been offered an easy way out and I have taken it, not thinking of what it says of me as a man. I would have died for Ferelden, but instead I joined an Order I swore was corrupt, participated in blood magic, and now...now I have taken advantage of the person I admire most and I do not know if she will forgive me. Perhaps this is the moment where my foolish luck has run out and I must face what I have done." 

"I wanted to, Loghain," she insisted. 

"But we will never know that, not truly," Loghain said quietly. "So perhaps even if you forgive me, I will never be able to accept it myself."

"You do self loathing so well."

A ghost of a smirk crossed his lips. "I have had some practice."

She sat down beside him and pulled her knees up. "What if I could convince you?"

He turned to face her. "Of what?"

"That I wanted you."

She could not read his expression when he said, "That does not change what happened. However either of us might have felt before does not condone what I did to you."

"Did to me?" Tabris asked angrily. "Do I have no agency in this? We made a choice, both of us, and if you claim that I was not in my right mind to make it then does that not mean that you weren't either? What makes you think that your mind is so much stronger than mine is?"

"You said yourself that because of your size-"

"I know what I wanted and I knew exactly what I asked for," Tabris interrupted. "I wanted to live and I wanted you. It may never have happened otherwise, but it did. We made a choice and I think considering all we've been through this last year, it was the best one I've made in a long time. So you...you can stay here beating yourself up if you want to, but I don't regret it and I don't think you should either."

She stood up and he took her hand in his. She looked down at him, her chest still huffing with her indignation. Her heart stopped as he turned her hand over and lightly kissed the inside of her wrist.

He looked up into her eyes. "I do not deserve you, Commander."

Tabris surprised herself with her own boldness and sat on his lap, straddling his hips. He made no effort to move her as she stroked the hair from his eyes.

"Don't tell me you didn't think about it before," she whispered. "I saw the way you looked at me, even at Ostagar."

Loghain caught his breath and she continued, "And I won't pretend I never thought of you like that, especially the last few months. It was so lonely before you came back, Loghain, sometimes my mind would start to wander."

Loghain's eyes met hers. "What are you doing?"

"I made a choice," she insisted. "Let me show you it was a choice."

"Even if we were to...Commander, it would not change-"

Tabris pressed her forehead against his. "It would for me."

Loghain smiled sadly and stroked her cheek. "I can't."

Tabris hated the tremble that crept into her voice. "Don't you want me?"

Loghain tried to explain. "You and I have always been honest with each other and we have shared much, as comrades in arms do. You and I have had very different experiences in intimacy. Before the war, I had only ever been with two women, both of whom I loved deeply. The witch was a necessity and with you it is complicated. I respect you, I trust you with my life. And I will not pretend I am not attracted to you. If you need to go to bed with me to feel better, I will go with you. But it would be wiser for you to take another." 

Tabris played with the stays of his shirt and shuffled to come closer to him, brushing over his half hard cock. She parted her lips slightly and let her expression grow soft before her eyes met his. 

"Please," she whispered. "I need you."

Loghain bit his lip. "You should go, before I lose the strength to resist you again."

"You want me and I _need_ you," she pleaded, kissing his neck. "Tell me to go and I'll go, but I would do anything to have you inside me again. I could just ride you like we are now, you wouldn't even have to get undressed, you could read your book against my back. Or I can kneel just here and suck you off."

Loghain cupped her face in his hands, his fingers trembling. 

"I need to know it was real," she said finally, her voice breaking. 

"It wasn't," he murmured. 

Her chest tightened. "Then this time it could be."

Loghain whispered, "If I lay with you again, you will have my heart, and that is not something I can give. Please, you should go."

Tabris apologized, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here."

She got up and went to the door; half hoping he would call back to her. When he did not, she went back to her own bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Tabris would not have preferred another day of court so soon after her ordeal with the Architect, but the Arling could not wait. A series of thefts would have to be investigated, though she suspected most were poor men trying to feed their families. She had told Varel to discretely offer amnesty for any of those with contraband foodstuffs in exchange for their military service. 

Nathaniel usually stood with her as her second in command, but he was absent. When more serious matters were brought into discussion, Loghain came to stand as her silent advisor. He said nothing, letting her make her decisions on her own. His presence normally comforted her, but it only made her feel unsteady. It had only been a few days since they had returned, only a few days since she had offered herself to him and only a few days since he had rejected her so thoroughly. 

When all matters had been brought to her attention, she left the hall, leaving others to appease the unhappy nobility. She changed back into her riding clothes and went out to the courtyard. New trade had to open up or else the little people would starve to death. If that meant rowing over to Alamar herself, then that was just what she was going to have to do. 

By the time she reached the stables, Loghain was already there, readying two horses. He gave her the ghost of a smile as she helped adjust the weight of their gear.

Loghain said. "I could practically read your mind during those deliberations. It is best if we go before much is known about the arrangement. Alamar is not a safe place and the less who know that you are there the better."

"And you are going as my bodyguard?" She asked skeptically.

"Yes," he said. "Do you object?"

She shook her head.

"Then let us move, Commander. If we hurry, we may reach port by sundown and have overnight passage to the island. Do you ride well?"

"Not as well as I could," she admitted.

Loghain glanced at her. "You are light enough. We will only take the one horse. We will move faster that way."

He brought the second back to their stall, apologizing to it quietly for leaving it in its tack. Loghain helped her up to his steed, sitting her in front of him. His arms rested on her thighs as he brought the horse to a gallop. They quickly fled from the Keep and towards the sea. 

Tabris let him shield her from the cold with his body and she resisted burying her face in his shoulder, trying to keep warm. She rubbed her hands together, blowing on them the best she could.

Loghain chuckled. "You clearly have never been to Gwaren. This is what spring is like there. Sometimes this time of year there is already ice in the bay."

She groaned, "Do not joke about such a terrible thing."

"It is true. One day you will have to see it for yourself. They've given it to you, have they not? You should see your land."

Tabris explained, "It's in trust for now. A steward is taking care of it."

"It's not Lord Deneth, is it? That man can't find the spout on a teakettle. I suppose it matters not. There are few still living there and those who survived the Blight will be wise enough to survive his incompetence."

They arrived in the city at dusk and Loghain arranged for them to have a bunk on a smuggler's boat across the sea. They lay together in a tiny bed on the rocking waters, Tabris' thighs aching from the hours on horseback. Loghain on the other hand seemed quite content, even reading by candlelight. She feigned sleep until he eventually snuffed the candle and settled into the bed. They curled into each other for the other's body heat, Loghain practically radiating warmth. 

Wardens always sleep best sleeping beside another Warden. Something to do with sensing the other's presence, even in a nightmare. The constant reassurance in one's body that they were not alone. Oghren used to call them puppy pilers, seeing the new recruits all snuggled together at night. Loghain had slept next to her every night until his brief time away in Orlais. She thought it would feel different after the poison, but it reassured her how natural it felt. There would be no nightmares tonight, no calling of the Archdemon, and it reassured her to know that Loghain would sleep peacefully.

***

They disembarked just after dawn. Alamar was certainly rough, but Tabris had grown up in Denerim's Alienage and Loghain during the Orlesian occupation. A few thieves and murderers were nothing for them to get concerned about.

Tabris met with various merchants, settling on more consistent routes and offering guaranteed prices to certain foodstuffs. Loghain would stand behind her, his face stern. Those who didn't recognize him thought him a gruff raider who was clearly good at his work if he had survived into his early 50s. Those who did knew that Tabris was not a woman to mess with if she kept the Hero of the River Dane twisted around her finger. 

They checked into an inn near the harbour and ate quietly in the bar downstairs. When it grew late, they went to their shared room and readied for bed, turning from the other to give some privacy. 

Tabris slipped into the bed in only her underthings and while clearly Loghain had noticed, he wasn't saying anything about it. Loghain sat on the edge of the bed, stripping down to his undershirt and breeches. He hesitated before climbing in beside her.

"I did not think to ask for two beds," he apologized. 

"It's fine," she insisted. 

"It is better this way," Loghain said. "I will be at your side in case of trouble."

"Loghain, I am perfectly capable of looking after myself."

"Here you are not," Loghain said quietly, looking out towards the streets. "You are a fierce fighter and silver tongued, but you lack the physical strength of many of those who prowl these streets. Even if the most I can do is give you a minute's delay to escape or arm yourself, then it will be enough."

Tabris rolled onto her stomach, leaning up on her elbows to look at him. He turned onto his side and glanced into her eyes. 

"What is on your mind?" He asked. 

"I've been thinking about when I came to see you, after we returned from the lair."

Loghain swallowed. "Yes?" 

Tabris sighed. "Look, I don't want to pressure you, but I just...now that it's just us and we're both out of danger, maybe we could talk about it."

Loghain murmured, "What I said was the truth and it has not changed."

"Do you think you'll ever be with a woman again, then?" Tabris asked.

She realized how cool her words were once she heard Loghain chuckle. "Perhaps there is some truth in it. I have no intention in marrying again and I am too old to have a mistress. Perhaps I will love again, but I do not expect it."

Tabris ran her fingers through his hair. "Sex doesn't just have to be about love, Loghain. It can be about desire, about pleasure."

"Is that all you want, Commander?" 

"No," she admitted. "It can also be about control. I trust you and I know that even when we were out of our minds, you were still protecting me. I haven't met many men like that, who could just let me enjoy myself without having to worry about anything else. I can give up control to you and know that you won't hurt me."

His hand cupped her face. "I am so sorry for all that was done before we met but we both know that I am not worthy of your trust."

"Then I'll say goodnight, Loghain," she said. "I'll see if there is another room available. I do not wish to make you uncomfortable."

He shook his head. "I'll sleep on the floor. I came here to protect you, I cannot do that if I am sound asleep across the inn."

"Your back-"

"Will be fine."

"No, you sleep in the bed, I'll sleep on the floor. I'm used to it."

"Commander, this is absurd. We are both grown adults. We have been sharing a bed since I joined the Order. I trust you to keep your hands to yourself."

Tabris agreed, "Fine."

***

Word had spread of the Hero of Ferelden's presence in the city and Tabris decided to spend only another day before returning. There would be enough merchandise going back and forth to at least keep the city from starving. Once trade was established, she could do more to keep it going. It was too dangerous for her reputation to stay any longer than necessary and with the darkspawn threat she did not feel comfortable staying away from Vigil's Keep for longer than she had to. 

As dusk, they came to a warehouse on the docks where they were to meet with a contact of Zevran's who promised access to new strands of potatoes that had previously not been cultivated in north Ferelden. It was a relief to actually be able to go somewhere as an Arlessa without worrying about someone recognizing her and asking what exactly she was doing negotiating tax cuts with smugglers. Loghain was still as vigilant. He liked Zevran, but didn't trust him.

The elf who met them seemed nice enough and he escorted them to the back near where his ship was docked. Loghain was actually much more helpful about the discussion of agricultural practices, so she let the two of them chat over huge bins of potatoes while she looked around. 

She heard a board creak and she put her hand on Fang. She looked over at Loghain, who briefly glanced over at her before going back to his conversation. The elf looked up and went pale. He fled, blurting out quickly how sorry he was. Loghain tried to get to her, but two men jumped down from the rafters and knocked him down. Tabris grabbed her dagger and tried to defend herself, but a well-shot arrow caught her in the shoulder. She grit her teeth and pulled it out, but she felt woozy. It had been laced with something, she couldn't tell what. She stumbled and their leader pushed her down, her head just above the water. He put his sword at her throat, using the tip of the blade to pull her pendant out from under her shirt.

"It's her," he confirmed. "She's got one of them Warden necklaces."

The leader smirked and pulled Tabris up, tossing her over to one of his men. She bared her teeth but the man chuckled. The man restraining her grabbed her weapons and tossed them aside. 

"You're smaller than I thought you'd be," he said, pointing his sword at her throat.

Tabris looked over to see Loghain tied up, the rope hooked through his mouth. 

"Don't worry about him," their captor reassured. "He's not the prize here. It's a shame you're worth so much money alive, Arlessa. If I had my way, that arrow would have gone through your heart. You have no idea how many enemies you have in the islands. You cost us a lot of coin with your little interference in Denerim and your little pirates raiding our ships."

"You're slavers then," she commented, trying to stay calm. "Your accent sounds like the Free Marches though. Kirkwall, maybe. I'm guessing you're intermediaries, right? You do the actual capturing part and sell your wares once you get to Tevinter. Seems strange to be in Ferelden then, even in Alamar." 

"It seems I heard right about you then. You don't have shit for brains. No, sweetheart, we don't do business in Ferelden, but when we heard about your little visit in the city, we thought we'd make an exception."

"So if you're not here to kill me, what do you want?" She asked coolly.

"Well, here's the thing," he said, lowering his sword. "The people of this damn country seem to love you. If I kill you, I'm not going to be welcome in these ports again and even Tevinter might not want much to do with me. So as much as I'd love to hurt you, I'm not going to harm a hair on your head. For now. Turns out you're rich now, all for ruining honest businessmen like me."

"You didn't answer my question."

He snarled, "I'm getting to it. So here's what's going to happen, little Arlessa. We're going to kill your bodyguard and dump him in the sea. Then we're sending a message to Vigil's Keep. They've got four days to send ransom or we're killing you too. Except, we're not going to do that, see? If they don't send coin, we're bringing you to Tevinter. We haven't figured that part out yet, but I don't imagine we'll be struggling to find a way to make money from it. There's a lot of people who would love to get their hands on you." 

Tabris' heart raced and she begged, "Let him go."

The slaver laughed. "What?"

"I won't fight you," she promised. "Send him to Vigil's Keep and you'll get your money faster. And if they don't ransom me, you could sell me once you reach Tevinter. I'll go with you, just don't hurt him." 

Loghain struggled against his bindings and screamed something behind his gag, but it was too muffled to decipher. The slaver raised an eyebrow and nodded to the guard holding Tabris.

"Take her on board," he instructed. 

"And the old man?"

The slaver glanced to Loghain. "Cut off his thumbs and send him back to the Wardens with a message. If they want their precious knife-ear, they're going to have to empty their pockets for her."

The slaver came up to her, pushing her chin up to examine her. He smiled cruelly. 

"Your skin is not so fair up close, Hero, the bards have exaggerated of your beauty and they give no credit to your soft little heart."

Tabris grabbed his dagger and thrust it into his gut. He stumbled back and she grabbed his sword, slashing through the man beside her. She fought through five, every step of the dance a familiar one that Isabela had taught her. She might not have ever learned to fight as a soldier, but she could fight as a scoundrel.

The last two run off and she ignored them, kneeling down to gently untie Loghain's wrists and to take the rope from his mouth. He looked deep into her eyes.

"That wasn't very noble of you," he said dryly.

"Like you said, I'm not as physically strong as them," Tabris said sarcastically. "Had to use my wits to get us out of that."

"But you have never been a good liar, Commander. Your face is too sweet."

"Who says I was lying?"

Loghain frowned and she admitted, "We lost a lot of people during the Blight and miraculously I've managed to keep you alive. I can't lose anyone else, not any one of my people, but especially not you. It was a gamble, yeah, but I would have done it if it meant that you were safe."

Loghain growled, "You are a foolish girl, do you know that? Do you think yourself worth so little? You are willing to throw your life away for any cause or for any one. I am a fool to follow someone who is willing to destroy themself to prevent any potential loss. I came here to protect you. My job was to protect you so you could continue on. Do you understand? You don't die for me, I die for you."

Tabris dropped her blades to the ground and he continued angrily, "Do you know why only we were captured, Commander? The Architect wanted you and I wouldn't let him take you. I sent the others to find help and I refused to leave your side. I knew what that...that thing was capable of, perhaps even better than you do, and I was willing to go into that creature's den to protect you. That is my job, Commander. You are more valuable than I am to the Wardens and your life means more to me than my own. Do not try to sacrifice yourself for me because your loss would destroy anything that remains of my heart."

Tabris tried to speak, tried to reach out to him, but she was frozen. Loghain's chest relaxed and he calmed himself.

"Let us get back to the inn," he said. "We will send a raven back to Howe and inform him of what has happened. Then it is best that we return to Amaranthine. We have done as much as we can do here."

Tabris finally managed to ask, "Do you really think I don't feel the same?"

Loghain ignored her and she chased after him down the shoreline. "Loghain, talk to me. You're the one who claimed we were both adults here. You just told me-"

He spun around. "It does not matter how I feel, Commander. I have seen this story play out before and I do not intend to relive it, for as you point out I am old enough to know better."

"What do you mean how this plays out?"

He asked angrily, "Do you really think this ends well? You will need to marry into nobility soon or you will lose respect in the Arling. You have a duty and I cannot stand in your way. I would love you just to lose you to another."

"But you do love me," she argued.

His sternness faltered. "That does not matter as much as you think it does. Even if you think you have feelings for me, they will pass in time."

Her lip started to tremble. "You condescending ass. You're lecturing me about destroying myself for others and now you tell me I shouldn't be happy?"

"I am trying to protect you-"

Tears flowed down her face and she tried desperately to stop them. She wiped at them furiously, able to hold back her sobs. Loghain brought her into his arms. She wanted to fight against his touch, but she found herself burying into his chest.

"I forget sometimes how young you are," he murmured. "Forgive me. I want everything for you. I want you to live a long and happy life. I want you to feel loved. I want you to have comfortable days and live without fear. I cannot give you any of those things. I do not mean to say your feelings do not matter, but I hope you will move on. Find a better man, a fresher man. As much as I care for you, I know there are only two ways this can end. Either you choose another out of duty and you leave me or one day you will realize that I am not worthy of your respect or love."

The cold wind whipped around them and Loghain pulled his cloak around her. She looked up at him, her hair lashing around her face. He leaned down, his mouth a breath away from hers. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him. He kissed her back desperately, groaning into her mouth.

"I need you," she whispered. "In my life, in my bed, I don't care. Don't push me away and say it's for my good. If you leave me, it will hurt, that doesn't change whatever we do. So just don't leave me."

"I can't promise that," he admitted.

"Then promise you'll try," she said.

He kissed her softly, cupping her face against the wind. 

"We'll catch cold out here," he said. "Let us go back." 

They went back to the inn in relative silence and Tabris called for bath water to be brought for them. Tabris washed up first, happy to get off the remnants of battle. She dried herself off and Loghain bathed. She lay under the blankets, trying to get warm again. When he was refreshed, he returned and disrobed, standing before her completely naked. He went under the blankets and pulled her to him. He rolled on top of her but supported himself on his hands and knees, providing warmth but not pressing down on her. 

He kissed her gently and she ran her hands down his chest. When she reached his stiffening cock, he pulled away, nestling his head between her legs. He kissed her thighs before licking her folds. He sucked ever so lightly on her clit and stroked her with his fingers softly. When she opened to him, he thrust his fingers into her, his movements growing harder and fiercer. She cried out for him, wrapping her legs around his head. She rode his mouth to completion twice before he finally pulled himself away.

He grinned as she tried to catch her breath. He kissed each of her breasts, bringing one nipple into his mouth. He sucked on it as he thrust three fingers into her. She cried out, instinctively clenching down around them. His other hand grabbed at her free breast, his thumb stroking her nipple. A third finger slipped into her and she keened, rocking against him.

He let go of her nipple and kissed her flushed skin. Her thighs shook, close, but unable to reach a third peak. He withdrew his fingers and she wrapped her legs around his waist. She stroked the head of his cock with her aching lips, her nectar trickling down his skin. He moaned into her neck. He held her hips and slid into her slowly, both gasping as they moved together.

He thrust into her and she shuddered, his cock filling every part of her. She held on tightly as he pounded into her, breaking the skin on her hips with his grip. She cried his name again and again and he grunted in reply. 

He withdrew and rolled her on top of him. She thrust herself onto him, her thighs starting to ache. He gripped her hips, moving her faster up and down his cock. He growled, pounding himself into her hard. He gripped her hand against the sheets. She rubbed her clit and pushed her over the edge. Her orgasm swept through her just as he hit his. He slammed into her, bellowing her name. He spurted into her, thrusting as deep as he could. He rode out those last seconds of bliss until he grew soft and was forced to withdraw.

He kissed her tenderly and brought her down into his arms. She snuggled against his chest, listening to the wind howl against the windows.

"We'll go back home tomorrow," she said, "once the storm is over."

He stroked her cheek. "I'll send a raven in the morning to Howe."

She shivered and he held her tighter, kissing the top of her head. She drifted off to sleep, only stirring once when Loghain left the bed. She assumed he had gone to relieve himself, but she woke in the morning alone.

Tabris dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. Half way through her meal, an exhausted Loghain came in through the main hall. She moved over on her bench and he sat beside her, absentmindedly picking food off her plate.

"Are you alright?" She asked.

Loghain leaned in close and kissed the top of her ear. "You look especially beautiful this morning, pet."

She smelled alcohol on his breath and she glared at him. "Loghain?"

Loghain explained, "I could not sleep so I went for a walk. I ended up in a tavern."

"Where you stayed all night?" Tabris asked skeptically.

Loghain shrugged. "For awhile. Overheard a few things and had to go investigate. Everything's taken care of. I'll tell you about it on the voyage home. I've gotten us passage on a pleasure craft leaving in a few hours."

"We have coin to join the upper classes now?" Tabris asked.

"You are nobility," he reminded. 

She rolled her eyes and he smirked. He ordered his own meal, though he ate off her plate until his arrived. When she was finished, she went upstairs to pack up. She left aside some fresh clothes for him and went back down to pay the bill. The door opened and a small bell rang. The innkeeper looked over Tabris' shoulder and gestured for the elf to hide behind the counter. She did so quickly, pressing flush against the wood.

A man with a Starkhaven accent asked, "Where is the Warden?"

The innkeeper replied, "She left this morning near dawn. I think a ship on the northern docks."

"And her companion?"

"With her, of course," the innkeeper lied. 

"Search the area. Find them."

Tabris shuffled closer to the woman's skirts and the innkeeper's dress was big enough that Tabris could hide mostly between it and the counter if she did not move. Tabris held her breath the best she could, listening to the footsteps. Three people, probably human men, though one had a light step. Someone slender or someone trained as a tracker. It was the same way Nathaniel walked.

She heard them go upstairs and the innkeeper pulled her out from behind the counter. The older woman held her at arm's length and whispered, "Out the back."

Tabris shook her head. "Loghain-"

"They are looking for _you_ , Warden. You must go."

Tabris snuck through the kitchens and out into the alley. She heard a scream and she looked up, seeing a man fly out of her window and into the open barn beside her. Loghain's head poked out and their eyes met. He threw their bag on the ground in front of her and climbed down the side of the inn, jumping the last few feet. He grimaced on the landing and she helped him back up. He leaned on her and she grabbed their gear. They hobbled as quickly at they could to the docks.

"Bloody bastards," Loghain muttered. "I thought I had them all. Went after the two who got away yesterday. I guess one of them talked before I got him."

"Why didn't you tell me?" She demanded. 

"I thought it was dealt with!"

They heard shouts behind them and Tabris picked up the pace. Loghain's ankle was clearly broken, but he ran on it the best he could, cursing under his breath. Once they hit the docks, Tabris dropped Loghain and grabbed her sword and dagger. She stood defensively in front of him as the slavers attacked. She had been right. Two human men, one elf. She dispatched the first easily, tossing him into the water. The man from Starkhaven she parried with until she was able to get a good slice across his thigh and he fell to the ground. The elf stood frozen and she lowered her weapon slightly. The poor thing was just a kid. Maybe 15 at most.

"We don't have to fight," Tabris called out. "Put down your sword and I'll let you go."

He shivered. "I'm sorry, I..."

Tabris cried out as the sword slashed through her calves. She fell to her knees and the man from Starkhaven loomed over her, blade at her throat. She glanced over at Loghain, who was trying to stand. Loghain threw himself at her attacker, knocking him to the ground with brute force. Tabris rolled out of the way and stood, turning the child to look the other way while Loghain snapped the man's neck.

Tabris helped Loghain back up, but he could not longer put any weight on his foot. The teenager ran before she could speak to him.

"We'll get on board and I'll find you a healer," she promised Loghain.

"You're not doing so well yourself, Commander," he muttered.

The adrenaline was fading and she felt her wounds sharply. She was barely able to get them both to their ship where attendants helped them to their cabin. They were both given poultices and sent to rest in bed. Potions lulled them into a deep, restorative sleep and they held on to the other in that numbness, unconsciously confirming that the other was still there.

***

Bad weather slowed their journey by two days and they were both miserable with their injuries and being forced to stay shut in the cabin. They barely spoke, either in their own thoughts or asleep under the medications. Neither was walking well by the time they reached the mainland, but Loghain could at least stand again. A carriage brought them back to Vigil's Keep where Anders treated their wounds properly, ensuring both of them that within a few days they would be back to their usual selves.

But Tabris was not so sure.


	3. Chapter 3

On their second day home, Tabris was working in her study. There were a hundred things that needed her attention in their brief time away and between her limited literacy and the pain in her legs, everything was taking twice as long as it should. She insisted to Varel that she was not to be disturbed and the man was more than pleased to protect her privacy. 

When she heard the knock, she assumed it was Varel bringing her more paperwork. Instead, Loghain entered the room.

"You're walking better," she greeted.

"It still hurts like the Void, but it is good to see that Anders has the skills to match his boasts."

"It's annoying, isn't it?" Tabris joked.

"Is now a good time?"

"No," she admitted, "but I could use a break. Close the door?"

Loghain did so and she stretched out on her lounge. Loghain sat across from her.

"Is everything alright?" She asked.

"I wanted to ask you that. I know these past few days have been tense and there has been little time for conversation, but I needed to know...Maker, I sound like a lovesick teenager. I want to know if you still feel the same that you did in Alamar. Now that we have returned, perhaps you have changed your mind."

She shook her head with a smile. "No, I haven't. Have you?"

He grinned. "No."

"We'll keep it quiet for now," she said. "Not hiding it, just laying low until the crisis is over. People might have mixed feelings about it and I need everyone on the same team until the darkspawn are dealt with."

"I think 'mixed feelings' might be a bit too delicate a phrase," Loghain pointed out. "I think you're right. I care for you, but the whole world doesn't need to know that if it only brings us both more trouble."

"Maybe tonight we can talk about it more in my chambers?" She asked coyly. 

He pretended to be thinking it over and she rolled her eyes. "You can let yourself out, Warden Loghain."

"Yes, ma'am," he teased.

***

Despite that Amaranthine was under siege and going through near famine, the nobility demanded their annual ball. The Howes had thrown a ball every Satinalia for decades, even during the Blight. While Tabris thought it was ridiculous to throw a masquerade then of all times, Varel coaxed her into it. Worst case, she should use it as an excuse to collect food and coin for the poor so they could have a proper celebration in the city. Tabris did not particularly care for the holiday as it had generally meant drunk humans causing havoc in the Alienage and she posted extra guards in impoverished areas of Amarathine just in case. 

Varel also extensively screened the guest list. Most nobility were invited, though a few were heavily encouraged not to go. Almost none of the Wardens were allowed to attend, only Nathaniel, Loghain, and the Warden-Commander herself. Granted, both she and Varel knew very well that the others would probably sneak in since it was a masked affair. She told him that as long as they behaved themselves, she didn't care. Honestly, she didn't care if they didn't behave themselves, but she liked Varel and just wanted him to not be so stressed out.

Practically a committee decided Tabris' outfit. A formal gown, the same rich blue as the Wardens wore, with intricate white lilies embroidered into the corset. Her skirts draped down around her, kissing her curves before just brushing against the ground. Her shoes were pearl white and originally had a heel, but Tabris had cut them off with Fang and had Wade fix them. She wore a white mask that made her look like the foxes that lived in the south of Ferelden, little white creatures that the locals thought of as friendly tricksters. Her long black hair was braided back, showing off her ears. 

Nathaniel had taught her to dance the best he could, but he had been out of these circles for over a decade. They stumbled through a few waltzes together, the friends laughing at how foolish they looked. It was a bit of a ruse, trying to insinuate that the pair might marry and that the Arling would stay in the Howe line. While the two adored each other, it was not going to happen. Anders and Nathaniel had been caught fooling around in more rooms around the Keep than Tabris knew the castle held. And as for Tabris...

It had only been three weeks since they had returned from Alamar. It was new, it was fresh, and it was exciting. And it was still a relative secret. Varel knew because Tabris needed his help to keep it under wraps, but that was about it. She and Loghain had been careful about how they acted in front of others and usually only met privately at night. 

She hadn't seen Loghain yet that night and she suspected he was in his rooms in protest. He hadn't even loved the life of nobility and now being ex-nobility, he hated it even more. She imagined Varel was probably relieved.

Throughout the night, Tabris had a variety of dance partners, mostly eligible men who had a clear interest in her title. Many of them spent most of the dance staring at her ears and pretending they weren't. One of them seemed almost aroused by the sight of them and she was disgusted, cutting the dance short. 

She went out to the balcony, ignoring the cold winter's night. She leaned on the railing, looking out onto her lands. A man came to stand beside her, holding two glasses of punch. She smiled at Anders and gratefully took it.

"Having fun?" She asked.

"Less than I thought I would," Anders admitted. "This respectability thing is no fun. I thought I might be able to convince Nate to sneak away for a while, but girls have just chatted him up all night. Very pretty ones, mind you, I don't blame him. But it feels like we're sneaking around and while that was fun in the Circle, it's an old game now. Though maybe it's still fun for you still." 

"What?" Tabris asked innocently.

Anders teased, "Commander, our rooms share a wall. I don't know who you're knocking boots with, but I can narrow it down." 

Tabris blushed and the song ended. The guests applauded and Tabris finished the rest of her drink quickly and handed it back to Anders. She went back inside, ignoring his very loud guesses. 

Varel introduced her to Fergus Cousland, Teryn of Highever and a recent widow. It was clear that they were being set up, but Tabris did not mind dancing with him. He was charming, even if his eyes were still brimming with sadness. He was not trying to court her, both of them clear that they were looking for a political match.

Both were surprised when a man wearing a bear mask cut in, sweeping Tabris away. Before she even got a clear look at him, she knew it was Loghain. She tried not to smirk, keeping her face as calm as possible.

"Getting jealous, are we?" She asked coyly.

"Can't a man want to dance with the most beautiful woman in the room?" He asked. 

"A man usually doesn't wait hours to do so," she chided. "You could have saved me a lot of very awkward conversations. I nearly had a sixteen year old propose to me with his father staring at us the entire time."

Loghain laughed. "I remember those days well. Maric pushed every single girl with a decent inheritance towards me. When I told him I was marrying a cabinetmaker, I thought he'd pass out. I got a lot of angry letters from noble mothers too, insulted that I hadn't fallen in love with their daughters."

Loghain smiled fondly. "Maybe my marriage was not the most romantic or passionate, but I truly did love her. We were happy, our marriage gave us what we both needed. Stability. Companionship. Celia was a better ruler of Gwaren than I ever was and my name gave her the respect she needed. She could never stand still, always working on some project or another. The last three years before she passed I spent with her in Gwaren. I think it was the most at peace I ever felt."

Loghain looked around the hall. "I danced with her here only once, a few months after we were first married. I never made her go to another royal function again. Thirty years passes quickly, it seems."

"Hopefully not too quickly," she said quietly. 

Loghain murmured, "I am older now than either of my parents ever were. When I was your age, I never thought I would survive this long. I only hope I live long enough to be by your side when the Calling comes for us. You have been lonely too long, love, as have I. I..."

His voice trailed off as the song ended and another livelier tune began. 

"Maybe we can step out for a few minutes?" She offered.

Loghain followed her out of the room and into the library, which thankfully was empty. He locked the door behind them. She kissed him and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"I have fallen in love three times in my life," Loghain said. "Once to a woman who I thought my world, even when I let her go. Once to a woman who shared her life with me, as much as either of us was willing to give. I loved them both, but I did not feel for them what I feel for you. Perhaps I should feel guilt for that, I do not know. All I know is that I love you."

Tabris started to speak, but he interrupted her with a kiss. His kisses grew hungrier and she pushed him against the wall. He rolled her beneath him and she wrapped her thighs around his hips. They fumbled with his belt, lowering his trousers just enough to free his cock. He pushed up her skirt and held onto the back of her head. He entered her in one thrust and she winced, but she quickly adjusted. He pounded into her and she kissed him hard, grasping at his back. She whispered his name again and again in his ear, biting at the lobe. His mask started to slip and she took it off, looking deep into his eyes.

"I love you," she moaned.

He grinned and kissed her sloppily, his movements erratic. He closed his eyes as he gushed into her, grunting. He helped her back to her feet and they both tried to sort out their clothes as quickly as possible. She put his mask back on just as they heard footsteps outside the door. 

"I'll come to you tonight," he promised. 

She kissed him tenderly before sneaking out. She went back down to the hall, her cheeks flushed and her lips red. Varel shot her a dirty look but said nothing. 

It was past midnight before she was back in her rooms. Loghain was waiting for her by the fire in only his breeches and the bear mask. She laughed before kissing him, sitting on the floor beside him. He stripped her out of her gown, casting it aside. She tossed his mask away and he got rid of the little else he was wearing. Loghain hooked her legs over his shoulders and buried his head between her thighs. Tabris wasn't sure how long he devoured her, how long his tongue and lips and fingers took her apart again and again, but by the time he stopped, her throat felt raw from screaming his name. 

He withdrew, rubbing his jaw. She felt too blissed to move and lay on her back still. 

"Now that is a pretty picture," he whispered. 

She murmured weakly, "I love you."

He laughed, "Trust me, I think the whole Keep knows that now."

She grinned. "These walls are surprisingly good at dampening sound."

"Is that a challenge, Commander?" 

"Maker no. If I can walk tomorrow as is, that would be a miracle."

Loghain chuckled before wincing. "I know the feeling."

***

The next morning the Wardens began a descent into the Deep Roads, trying to find more of Sigrun's kin. They were beneath ground for nearly a week and while Tabris and Loghain were attempting to keep their relationship quiet, Anders asked them, loudly, within the first six hours if they were sleeping together. Forced to spend so much time together, the crew quickly got used to it, though Velanna was most upset and questioned Loghain about his intentions for nearly two hours. Tabris smirked. As much as the woman thought the two elves had nothing in common, Velanna was willing to rip apart any shemlen who thought about hurting her sister in arms.

After more disappointments and setbacks, they returned to Vigil's Keep. Tabris spent the next few days in the city, trying to both solve the refugee crisis and to subtly ensure that smugglers were getting in the foodstuffs promised to her. Loghain traveled with her, leaving Nathaniel once again in charge. Tabris confided to Loghain that she was considering naming him as her heir and Loghain agreed that it was not a terrible idea.

On their second day in the city, Tabris started feeling sick to her stomach. By the third day, she had broken into cold sweats and was unable to keep anything down. Loghain took care of her and by the fourth day she was feeling well enough to go home. She felt poorly once they got to the Keep and she went to bed. 

The next morning she felt fine and went about her usual tasks, unconcerned about the flu bug. Varel made her agree to take things a little easier, suspecting that the stress was getting to her. She finally agreed, letting him take over a few minor matters. 

Within a few hours, she was back in her room, throwing up into a chamber pot. Miserable, she asked Anders to help her, even though he had insisted again and again that magic could not cure the common cold.

She shivered as Anders ran his hands over her, the light touch of his magic cool against her feverish skin. At once point he frowned and stood, locking the door. Tabris' heart started racing.

"What's wrong?" She asked weakly. "The Taint's not speeding up, is it?"

"The opposite," he said in surprise. "Commander...you're pregnant."

She felt woozy and Anders put a cold cloth on the back of her neck, bringing her back to. He continued, "I'm going to have to call in someone else to look after you. Obviously this is complicated since, you know, you shouldn't be able to get pregnant, never mind get one along this far this safely. I mean, you're almost three months-"

"Three months?" She asked hoarsely.

She did the math in her head and it brought her to a fearful encounter, Loghain sheltering her body from their captors, their bodies meeting desperately out of the sheer need to survive.

This wasn't a miracle born of true love. This was engineered.

"I need to talk to Loghain right now," she ordered. "Do not tell a soul about this, do you hear me?"

Anders promised, "I won't. Congrats, though. I mean, one in a million, right?" 

Tabris said nothing and he let himself out. She bundled herself in the blankets, feeling utterly frozen. Loghain rushed in a moment later and embraced her tightly. 

"Shut the door," she said as quietly as possible. 

Loghain did so and she stood, walking towards the fireplace. She put on a few more logs and went to the window, sitting on the bench just before it. She immediately got up and started walking to the dresser. 

"What are you doing?" He asked.

"I'm trying to figure out the safest place to speak in this room," she admitted. "I feel like anything I say will echo through the whole Keep."

"Come to bed," he instructed. "You're sick."

She shook her head, protesting, "I'm not."

"Then what is wrong?"

Loghain stood, watching her pace. Eventually she sat on the edge of the bed and he sat beside her, taking her hand in his. Even if they had not been connected as all Wardens were, she still could have felt his pulse race.

Tabris said almost silently, "I'm pregnant."

Loghain went pale. "Mine? How long?"

She murmured, "A bit under three months."

Loghain covered his mouth with his hand and stood. He leaned against the mantle of the fireplace and banged his fist against the stone. He hit it a few more times until she could see his knuckles were bleeding. 

"Loghain, stop," she ordered.

He growled, but did as she asked. He buried his head in his hands and she stood, touching his shoulder. He flinched slightly but did not resist her.

"I love you," he said. "If it had happened any other way, I would be surprised, but it would not be such a terrible thing. I always wanted to have more children, even though I would never expected to have one so late in life. You would be a good mother and I would try to be a better father than I was the first time. Our child would grow up loved and content...but this is not that story, pet. For as long as you carry it, you will both be in danger. You know that. We were both there. If the Architect knows, then he will stop at nothing to capture you. I would fight to the death to protect you both, but I am just one man."

"We are the only two people who know what happened down there," Tabris insisted. "And we'll just have to end this chaos before she's born."

Loghain turned to her and placed his hand on her belly. 

He murmured, "I feel a whisper of it already. Once its heart is stronger, I'll feel its presence as I would any other Warden, if just fainter. It will be a secret to no Warden...and to no darkspawn."

Tabris started to shiver and he brought her into his arms, wrapping himself tightly around her. He stroked through her hair.

"Do you want this baby, love?" He asked softly.

Tabris thought back to when she had been first engaged, trading letters back and forth with Nelaros. She had been so excited to start a family then. The last two years had changed much about her, but she realized then that her longing to be a mother had not faded away, even when she had thought it impossible. 

She affirmed, "I want to fight for her, Loghain."

"Then there is only one thing we can do," he said. "The Architect must be found. I will hunt him down in whatever hole he's hidden himself in and I will destroy him."

"I'm not going to let you do this by yourself," she protested.

He insisted, "We can't risk one of his soldiers sensing the child. You must stay here where at least the presence of other Wardens will make it harder to detect you. You are perfectly capable of defending yourself, I know, but think of our men and those living in the Keep. You can do just as much for Amaranthine on the throne."

"You don't believe that."

"In this case, I do," he said. "Amaranthine is in conflict as much with itself as it is the darkspawn. You will broker peace while I wage war on those bastards. And when we are done, our child will be born in a land much better than it was conceived in."

She kissed him and he brought her back to bed with him. They curled up and he kept his hand protectively on her hip, keeping her close to him. The steady heartbeat of a Warden beside her was slowing down her own, helping her relax.

And if she focused, really listened to her body, she could feel the little flutter of another presence. It's little heart was light and quick, almost like a little bird. She closed her eyes and finally let herself sleep.

***

In the morning, Tabris called for all her officers to come into the war room. They worked together for hours, using every clue they had to figure out where the Architect might be. Sigrun was ecstatic, ready to rip the thing's throat out herself. Anders stayed unusually quiet, letting the others talk. When the meeting adjourned, Anders took Tabris to the side, leading her down a hallway.

"So is our newest member inspiring a sudden rush to war?" He asked. "Or did you call in Loghain because you had a flash of insight?"

"It's complicated," Tabris said.

"Really? Because I think our people deserve an explanation why we're throwing ourselves into the fire when we've got almost nothing to go on. Commander, you might not be thinking this out."

"Anders," she insisted, "you have to trust me. I'm trying to protect all of us. This needs to be dealt with as soon as possible or all of Amaranthine is in danger."

Anders frowned. "If there's something wrong, you can talk to me."

"I promise, we'll talk later."

"You should get a tailor over here soon," he reminded. "You need a new spring wardrobe if you get what I'm saying."

Tabris gave him a playful shove. "Thanks for the tip."

***

The next day, Loghain gathered a hunting party to go deep into the wilds and search for new passages into the Deep Roads. He took all but Anders, who was grateful to not have to spend more time underground. 

The party readied in the courtyard and Loghain pulled Tabris aside for a brief moment. He pulled a moonstone ring from his pocket and placed it in her hand.

"It's traditional in the south for a man to give his pregnant wife gifts," he said sheepishly. "I know I am not your husband, but I wanted you to know, no matter how long we are apart, I am thinking of you." 

She slipped it onto her right hand and teased, "Do I have to get you anything?"

"You are giving me the greatest gift a man can have," he murmured, kissing her bare hand. "Nothing else could compare."

Tabris beamed and kissed him. He supported her back as he leaned in to deepen it.

Velanna cleared her throat. "Are we going then, shemlen?"

Loghain pulled away. "We go then, Sister, while the light is still good. Onwards."

Anders stood by Tabris, putting his arm around her shoulder. The pair watched as the others left, heading out to the wilds. 

"I should be with them," she murmured.

"Me too," Anders agreed, "but at least this way we don't have to eat deep stalkers."


	4. Chapter 4

The morning sickness faded thankfully and Tabris was able to go about her duties. It was explained away as flu, though Tabris knew it wouldn't be too much longer until the truth came out. When she started to feel her breeches growing tight, she pulled Varel aside into her study and told him her news.

Varel said nothing for a long time, looking down at his hands.

Finally he asked, "Loghain?"

She nodded. 

Varel sighed. "You do not make this easy for me, Arlessa. Does he intend to claim the child as his? Has he made you an offer of marriage?"

Tabris frowned. "He hasn't proposed and I guess he's never said he was going to, but he never said he wasn't either."

"These things are important," Varel explained. "This can make or break a noble house. As it stands, you will soon give birth to a bastard child whose father has not spoken for it. Even if he did claim the child, Loghain is not a popular man. There will be many who do not trust your House and you will lose the respect of the elves in our Arling certainly. And there will be questions from the Grey Wardens...my Lady, this is not good."

"I know," she admitted. "Clearly neither of us was planning for this to happen."

"And now he is gone for two weeks and it is unknown when he will return."

"He is attempting to end the darkspawn threat," she reminded. 

Varel replied, "I know that and I pray for him and the others every day. But when the truth comes out and it will come out, you will likely be standing alone and that is something I do not wish for you. Please know that I will serve you faithfully, as I always have, Arlessa." 

"Thank you," she said sincerely. 

He squeezed her hand. "I will do everything I can. For now, go about your duties as you are. With luck, the rest of the Wardens will return soon."

Tabris prayed that would be the case. Every day she heard nothing and she feared she had sent them on a mission not any one of them would return from. 

The nightmares started the third week, the cry of the slain Archdemon, the screams of Alistair at seeing Duncan's body, the sobs of Shianni in her arms. She stopped sleeping during the night, only napping periodically during the day. After a few nights, she confided with Anders about the dreams.

"Do you think the baby is dreaming?" He asked curiously. "Maybe he's learning to deal with the nightmares like we all had to after the Joining."

"But they're all memories I have," she argued. "That makes no sense."

Anders shrugged. "Maybe not then. Maybe it's just stress and hormones."

Tabris felt like that was not right either. Something was wrong, but she couldn't understand what exactly it was. It wasn't like anyone had gone through this before, she had no one to ask.

In the end, she wrote to Alistair. It was non-descript, not sharing anything of her situation other than how terrible Amaranthine was. His return was speedy and was full of stories of his new life in Denerim. He admitted that he had heard about Loghain and while he was not thrilled about the idea, he thought it was hilarious that she might end up being his stepmother. 

Alistair sounded happy and that soothed her heart. At least he was safe.

***

After almost a month, Tabris received a raven from Nathaniel. It was only one sentence long but she and Anders read it again and again:

_We found him._

***

Tabris woke to alarms sounding through the Keep. She grabbed Fang and threw on her jacket over her nightgown. She walked out into the hall, seeing militiamen running to the ramparts. She chased after them and a recruit handed her a spyglass. She looked out over the castle walls and saw the darkspawn army coming towards them. 

A lieutenant asked, "Orders, Ser?" 

"Send word to Amaranthine that we need reinforcements and bunker down," she instructed. "Get all civilians into the castle and send soldiers down to monitor the tunnels. I don't want any of these bastards getting through the cellars."

"Ser!" Another soldier called out. "We've already received word from Amaranthine. The city is under attack. They were requesting help from us."

"Shit," she muttered. "Still send word, say that we can spare no men. We'll have to hope they move focus here. We can wait them out longer than the city can."

Tabris went back inside to put on her armour, frustrated that her breastplates no longer fit across her belly. She stole Loghain's riding leathers and covered the gaps in coverage the best she could. She woke up Anders, barking orders at him to cover the backs of her soldiers.

She went out into the courtyard, her blades ready. The army reached the gates, and she extended her sword and dagger, waiting. Pregnant or not, she was a soldier.

***

Between waves of battle, an injured scout made her way to Tabris. The Warden Commander helped her to safety where the scout pulled her in and said hoarsely, "The Architect has them."

The scout put a letter in her hand before passing out. Tabris got her to a healer and unfurled the letter. The letters were identical; as if someone had just memorized what they had looked like instead of knowing what they meant. 

**Find me in the depths of understanding, where the dragons rest. We both have what the other wants, Warden. I will exchange blood for blood.**

Her throat closed. She knew the place the Architect meant and she suspected she knew what he wanted from her. He had timed it perfectly. There was no one to go with her. She would have to go deep underground and rescue those she loved by herself. 

Tabris put the note back into the scout's breast pocket and ran.

***

Tabris fought her way to the Architect, her stamina waning quickly. She was in her second trimester and had spent the last few hours on the battlefield. There wasn't much more she could give.

When she fell and the hurlocks dragged her to the Arishok, she was almost relieved. They would take her where she needed to go.

They dumped her unceremoniously at the creature's feet. Tabris caught her breath and slowly rose, meeting the thing's glare. 

"Where are my men?" She barked.

"Safe," the Architect promised, "for a time. I was disappointed by how few your numbers are now. I have left them be for now, depending on how well our negotiations go."

"Negotiations?" She laughed. 

"I know of the child you grow," the Architect said. "I have for a time. My followers told of the hunting party led by your mate. And they listened, seeking to learn what they sought. He fought the hardest when your people were captured. If I did not think him valuable, I would have had him destroyed. He is a dangerous man."

"You have no idea. Now tell me what you want." 

"I heard once your people have a story about a girl who the gods kidnapped and brought into the Void," the Architect said. 

The image of Velanna's sister telling the tale made Tabris shudder. 

"What of it?" Tabris barked.

"Do you remember what happens to that little girl, Warden? She becomes the consort of the Dread Wolf for a time and when she dwelled with him, the harvests were plentiful and there were no droughts. But the girl begged to return and the Dread Wolf let her, but whenever she walked your worlds, the world turned white and cold. She offers herself as sacrifice every year, appeasing the wolf, for the longer she stays away, the more people will starve. Yet she is still selfish and winter still comes every year."

"What's your point?" Tabris snapped.

"The Grey Wardens have always been a people who give all of themselves to protect their world," the Architect replied. "It is what I admire most of your kind. I offer you a trade, Commander, one that you would be wise to accept. Stay here with us and we will find an end to the Blight for both our peoples. Stay and I will let your men go, including the sire of your child. My people will not raid your lands as long as you remain here with me."

Tabris hissed, "Never."

"I offer you a gift," the Architect murmured, stretching his hand out to touch her cheek. "Your child would not have been conceived without my intervention. Think of what can be learned in their blood and in yours. You seek to help your people. Stay with me and help end the Blight. We can find a cure so your son may live."

"I want to see them," she demanded. 

The Architect led her into another room where her people lay in cells as she and Loghain once had. Velanna and Sigrun were conscious in theirs, but the rest of her party seemed to be asleep. Tabris ran to the bars that parted her from her sisters and Sigrun grabbed her hands.

"You can't trust him," Sigrun insisted. "Get out of here."

Velanna agreed, "Leave us."

"Is everything else all right?" She asked. 

"I don't know," Sigrun said. "Commander, you need to go. Now."

Tabris pulled away and looked back to the Architect. "If you take me, my people will come for me. They always do."

"It is a romantic notion to believe that you will be saved by those who love you," the Architect said, "but it is a foolish one. We will depart from this place once they are released and you will not be found until we have found a solution. But they will live. As will you."

Tabris looked to Velanna and whispered something in truly awful Dalish. Velanna said nothing, but touched her hand, brushing her thumb against the moonstone ring. 

"Let me say goodbye to him," Tabris murmured, "and I will go with you."

The Architect grasped her arm and pulled her to Loghain's cell. Loghain looked wretched, as if he had spent years on the road instead of weeks. He opened his eyes feverishly and smiled at her before closing them again.

"We will go now," the Architect said quietly. "My followers will release them when we are safely away."

Tabris hung her head low and he led her from the room. Sigrun screamed for her to fight, but Velanna held her back. Tabris said nothing. 

***

Tabris went further and further into the hell that was the Deep Roads. She was afraid and she let it show. She could not risk a moment of smugness or confidence. The Architect had to believe she had lost all hope.

But she believed in Velanna and believed in the little hum of her ring against her finger. Velanna would find her. She just had to hold on.

***

They rested in a cave miles from where she had seen her people. The Architect did not need sleep, nor did the hurlocks who silently guarded her.

"For the child," the Architect insisted.

It was the same reason they forced her to eat. "For the child."

Tabris did not resist and she feigned sleep. She knew her nightmares would be worse here, the corrupting influence too strong. She rested her hand on her belly, trying to protect her child from the cold ground. She closed her eyes and listened to the dark, waiting.

***

She lost track of time quickly, but she guessed that she had slept twice since she had surrendered. During another rest, she heard the cries of warriors. She pretended not to hear them at first, but the Architect grabbed her and pulled her to her feet. 

"We will go," he hissed.

She resisted him, tossing him aside. She tried to run but she was tackled to the ground. She looked up and saw Loghain in the distance. He and Nathaniel ran to her, Nathaniel pausing only to fire arrows between her captor's eyes. Closer, Loghain slid a dagger across the ground. Velanna appeared to her left and cast dispelling magic around the Architect. Tabris ran to grab Fang and held it at the Architect's throat. 

"I was the one you should have been afraid of," she snarled.

She slew it and it fell, bleeding out. Her hands trembled as she tried to place Fang in her sheath, only to remember she was wearing only a shift. Velanna took it from her in reverence and strapped it to her chest.   
Loghain reached her side and pulled her into his arms. She cradled his head in her hands and pressed her forehead against his. His hand rested on her hip, catching his breath as the tiny heartbeat reacted to his presence. 

Tabris silenced him with a kiss. He grasped at the back of her head, kissing her harder in return. When they parted, she murmured, "It's over."

Loghain nodded, trying to ignore the tears rolling down his face.

"Let's go home," she said softly. 

***

The crew rescued from the Architect's lair spent a week in quarantine and Tabris was forced to do damage control without her regular supports. She sent men into Amaranthine to clear out the rest of the darkspawn and manage the spread of the Taint. She sent others out to ensure that every refugee was housed and had at least one meal in their belly. She wanted to be out among the people herself, but Varel had insisted she stay at court. The nobility was going to have a lot of questions. 

And so would the Grey Wardens.

By the end of the first week, a minor Bann noticed Tabris' belly. He said nothing, but Tabris could almost sense his realization. She couldn't hide it much longer, not being as slender as she was. She was almost at the halfway point, after all, and it was growing too warm for her to wear heavy clothes.

Varel wrote an official announcement, but Tabris hesitated before agreeing upon it. It was fairly simple, saying that she was with child and that she was due in late summer. But Tabris could see the questions that would follow. The nobility would want to know who the father was and the Wardens would want to know how it had happened, particularly if the father was a Warden. 

Tabris waited until the survivors were cleared and allowed to leave quarantine. She had hoped to find Loghain alone, but she found him in his room, deep in conversation with Nathaniel.

Both men looked up as she came in and she was struck by how similar they looked. If one didn't know better, they'd guess they were father and son.

Loghain murmured, "Pet, close the door. There is something we should discuss."

Tabris did so and sat beside Loghain, who took her hand in his.

"I have spoken to Nathaniel about the situation we find ourselves in and I believe that we may have a solution," Loghain said.

Nathaniel sighed, putting his head in his hands.

Loghain explained, "I had much time to think when we were under observation. It has occurred to me that we may be able to undo some of this damage. I cannot claim this child without tarnishing their name-"

Tabris tried to interrupt, but Loghain put up his hand and continued, "but a child without a father can never inherit Amaranthine. Likewise, Howe here has already a tie to the Arling and a passing resemblance to me. He also needs to draw some of the attention away from his mage. Nathaniel could claim the child as his, conceived only in his first few months as a Warden and the Taint not settled. They know little about how the Taint affects women; perhaps they can accept a miracle. The child is raised a Howe and in Amaranthine, where they belong."

"And what happens to you?" Tabris asked. 

"I return to Orlais," Loghain replied. 

Tabris looked to Nathaniel. "And you approve of this?"

Nathaniel admitted, "I offered. It makes sense, Commander."

"Would we have to marry?" Tabris asked.

Loghain's face fell slightly. "No, but it would be best if you did."

Nathaniel took a deep breath and Tabris let go of Loghain's hand. She hadn't thought of what would happen when he returned, when the Architect lay dead. There was truth in what he said, certainly. She did love Nathaniel, but as her brother in arms, and she knew this would break his heart. She could not do it to him, or Anders. 

Nor could she do it to Loghain or their baby. She was not ashamed. Loghain was a changed man, broken open and soft. She had no doubt that Nathaniel would be a good father, but she knew that her child would grow up knowing their parents didn't love each other. Her child would grow up with their real father in self-exile and if they ever found out the truth...they would only know Loghain as a villain in a fairy tale, a nemesis their mother once faced and defeated. They would never know who he really was.

Adaia had never hidden anything from her daughter, not even the darker parts of her life during the Rebellion. She knew who her mother was and Tabris loved her deeply. Adaia had always taught her to be honest and to trust in her family. She wanted the same for the child still growing. She wanted them to look at her with respect, knowing that she was flawed but utterly devoted to them. Even if she hadn't loved Loghain owed it to her child to start their little life off with honesty. 

Tabris said softly, "Nate, it means the world to me that you would do this, but I can't. I don't think you can either. You deserve to be happy. You should go see Anders."

Nathaniel sighed in relief and kissed Tabris' forehead before leaving.

"You ambushed the poor thing," Tabris muttered, standing up. 

"Love-" 

"You listen," Tabris ordered, pointing at him. "If you don't want to be involved, you don't have to be, but I'm not lying to our baby before they're even born. I don't care about titles or land or anything else. What I want is to be there for my child. I love you, I do, but I'm not going along with this so you can be the martyr. So be a man and just tell me: are you in or are you out?"

Loghain dropped to his knees before her and kissed her belly through her clothes. He kissed her hand and she rested it against his face.

"You're so hard to read," she whispered. 

"Then let me make myself clear," he said softly. "I love you. I nearly went to my death for you and if the Architect taking my life would have saved you both, I would have done it without question. To live my life with you, to be loved by you, and to raise my child with you, that is more than I deserve. More than any man deserves, but especially me. By being with you, I have everything to gain. But by being with me, you will lose everything you hold dear."

Tabris tilted his chin to look into her eyes. "I want to be happy and you make me happy. That is what I deserve, Loghain. The rest doesn't matter."

He smiled and her heart fluttered in her chest. He rose to his feet and kissed her. She beamed in return. 

"Then I promise I will do everything in my power to make you happy," he said, stroking her cheek. 

She murmured, "I'm so glad you're okay. I thought I lost you. I don't ever want to lose you again. I can't imagine what all of you went through."

"Nor I you. You kept me going," he admitted. "I needed to come home to you. I needed to hold my child in my arms, if just once. To have you in my arms again..."

She kissed him pulled him towards the bed. They took their time disrobing, both learning the other's new form. Loghain had new scars on his hip and he winced when her hand traced them. But when he ran his hands across her swelling belly, cupping her growing breasts, the tension built in her body. 

"Let me take care of you," she offered. 

Loghain seemed too tired to argue and lay on the bed. She lay on her side and slid down until her head was nestled between his thighs. She took as much of him as she could into her mouth and he gasped, bucking forward slightly. He tangled his fingers in her hair, whispering her name. 

"Love," he pleaded, "I need more."

She sucked him harder, letting him thrust slightly into her mouth. He groaned, still restraining himself. She licked his shaft and played with his stones, trying to get him closer. He whispered, "I need it harder. Let me take you. Please."

She withdrew and knelt, stretching out to grasp the edge of the bed. Her sex throbbed. She knew that desperation in his voice. He would not be gentle and she didn't want him to be. 

She was already wet for him, a mixture of hormones and how much she loved having his cock in her mouth. He mounted her and slid inside. She sighed in relief as he thrust into her. He grasped the sheets and pounded into her. The bed shook with them as they met furiously again and again. Her breasts brushed against the bed, her nipples growing hard against the sheets. Loghain protectively put one hand around her belly, the other linking his fingers with hers. 

He spilled into her, slamming into her even as he grew soft. She managed to reach her peak just before he withdrew, her body clenching around him as he slid out. 

He cradled her to him and she nuzzled into his shoulder. 

"I love you," she said.

He kissed her, saying nothing. He didn't need to.

***

They were able to have only a few days of peace before the news broke. True to his word, when Tabris announced her pregnancy, Loghain proudly stood beside her. The child would take her name, but they were no bastard. 

Tabris then wisely retreated, letting Varel handle the nobility. She was more worried about when word reached Weisshaupt. The common people might believe in the poor of redemptive love, but the Wardens would be much more interested in seeing how the Ferelden Warden-Commander kept managing to escape death. 

They thought about running, on and off, but Tabris wanted to hear the perspectives of other Wardens first. Loghain told her again and again that they needed to leave before she was too big to travel, but she ignored him. They had nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. She was staying put.

Tabris was well into her seventh month when six Grey Warden leaders came to visit her in Amaranthine. They talked to both her and Loghain separately, trying to get a sense of what exactly had happened with the Architect. Tabris told it all the best she could remember to an elven mage who insisted that she was not technically a Grey Warden, but brought in for her expertise.

She also kept shooting Loghain dirty looks, but Tabris tried to ignore that part.

When the council met again, Tabris and Loghain waited in the courtyard with their companions. Loghain sparred with Oghren and Nathaniel braided Tabris' hair, trying to get it off the back of her neck in the summer heat. The others drank ale in the shade with them, trying not to talk about what might happen next. 

Eventually, the elven mage Fiona sent a page requesting Tabris to come see her alone. The Warden Commander went back inside and found Fiona in the clinic. She gestured for Tabris to sit on a cot in the corner. She did so, trying to appear calm.

Fiona closed the door and sat across from her. She took a deep breath.

"From what it seems to me," she said, "that your child may be healthy. It is rare for a woman with the Taint to be able to bare one, but it seems this Architect may have changed how your body interacts with the disease. You and the others that the Architect had under his control. I am not saying that you are cured, but I am saying that you are perhaps the first generation of Wardens able to create children. I worry however about the fate of your child once born. Without your natural resistance, it may have difficulty keeping the Taint at bay. We are researching all the Architect's notes. It will take some time. But I want to prepare you."

Tabris swallowed. "If...if...how long would she have?"

Fiona admitted, "I don't know. Not long. Maybe hours. It is something that kills the vast majority of adults that attempt to contract a distilled version of it."

Tabris covered her hand with her mouth, trying not to vomit. She knew her baby had the Taint. It was the reason the others could sense her. She was carrying a child that would only suffer and quickly die.

"There is still hope," Fiona assured, taking her hand. "The Wardens have a vested interest in keeping you both alive and healthy. I will be staying here for the remainder of the pregnancy as well as some of the best researchers Weisshaupt can provide. If there is a way, we will find it."

"Is there anything I can do?" She asked hoarsely.

Fiona shook her head. "Rest. And wait."

***

When she told Loghain what Fiona had explained, the man punched a hole in the wall and broke into tears. He fell to his knees and Tabris sat beside him.

"This is it," he whispered. "I was waiting for my punishment. Here it is."

Tabris said nothing, her heart too heavy to comfort his.

***

Tabris went into labour three weeks early. Loghain ran to get help but on his return did not leave her side. Neither of them wanted to say it, but both understood. If they only had a few moments with their child, they didn't want to miss any of it. 

Tabris knew that labour should be painful, but it shocked her how little it hurt. She had suffered so greatly as a soldier, it was if her body was relieved to be doing something it was designed to do. It burned and ached, but she had lived through worse and knowing that she would survive comforted her. 

When their son slipped out into the world, bawling her eyes out, they both were silent. Fiona took the child away and Tabris was too weak to reach out for him. 

"Will he live?" Loghain asked.

Fiona called forth to another in Orlesian to examine the baby. Two more healers looked over him as the child cried.

Fiona returned him to Tabris' arms and she held him to her chest as he settled. 

"Your son has the Taint," Fiona explained, "but he is...immune. He shows none of the secondary conditions of the infection. It may be possible that is dormant; we will have to examine him further. But for now he is out of danger."

Tabris wept in relief and Loghain kissed the top of her head. The baby started crying again and Loghain wrapped his arms around them both. 

***

Gareth Tabris met his mother's family a few days later. Cyrion and Loghain had not gotten off to a great start, but the two men would tolerate each other. Shianni refused to be in the same room with him and Tabris didn't blame her. He had to earn their trust and that took time.

Nathaniel took over as acting Commander as she recovered. Gareth grew plumper and even more cheerful. He was an easy baby to love and many of those living at the Keep would pop in to visit during the day. Tabris didn't mind. She wanted her baby to get all the love it could. 

A few months after he was born, Fiona returned to the Mages, leaving behind an apprentice to monitor Gareth. She sent letters every few weeks, but she seemed more and more confident that Gareth was safe. The Grey Wardens wanted to test his blood and both she and Loghain agreed. It was for the good of all Wardens and for their son. A researcher took up post at the Keep to study both the Architect's findings and to monitor Gareth. 

Loghain never said Gareth's name aloud until he was a year old. The old Ferelden superstition oddly comforted Tabris and she found it oddly charming. Until he was a year old, Gareth was simply called Turnip, a nickname that she could already foresee plaguing him into his teen years.

It was around then that she and Loghain joked about having another one, just to see if they could. Out of duty for the Grey Wardens, of course. For science. 

When they found themselves expecting Miracle Two a few months later, Weisshaupt sent no Wardens. In an intercepted letter between the Warden-Commander of Orlais and the First Warden, the former was advised to leave Ferelden alone and uninvestigated because "weird shit just happens there."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I feel like when I finished "Thieves Like Us". Just needed to finish this darn thing and just ugh its the worst. Like just ugh. I'm sorry.


End file.
